By Jacob Clark
(Author’s Note: This Is Satire)
We all know that this election is unlike any other before it. What we have now is not a normal election between two candidates but a battle between good and evil. If you want good to triumph, then you had better listen to what I am about to say. There have been a lot of lies flying around, but what I am about to say is the truth supported by inarguable facts.
Right now, deep beneath the ice sheet of the Arctic Circle, there lies a massive cache of a bioengineered super neurotoxin, known only by its code name KENYAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE or AGENT KBC, that threatens to destroy America and our cherished freedoms and enslave the planet in the clutches of the Democratic Party’s New World Order! Beginning with top secret plans drafted as part of FDR’s New Deal, this chemical stockpile was the brainchild of known war criminal George Soros and put into action by Obama with the assistance of the Communist government of Canada.
The lamestream media and its elitist scientist puppets tell you that the Arctic is melting because of global warming but this is all a lie! Global average temperatures have actually decreased by 9 degrees over the past seven decades. Yes, the polar ice caps are melting – but not because of harmless American-made SUVs and clean-burning coal. The Arctic ice is melting because of an array of Canadian-Chinese-Iranian atomic microwaves secretly built on the ocean floor! This has already been exposed due to Russia’s valiant exploration of Arctic waters under venerable Putin’s directive. Alas, Putin’s efforts to share this information with the international community were sidelined by the fabricated “oppression” of the feminist, anti-Christian terrorist group, Pussy Riot, as part of a smear campaign against the heroic Putin by the liberal agenda.
Once Crooked Hillary is elected in this rigged election, she will send out a secret email on her private server commanding these atomic microwaves to increase their temperature output to the maximum. This command will completely melt the remainder of the ice caps, releasing a cloud of AGENT KBC that will completely cover the entire continent of North America turning all American male gun-owning patriots into GAY MUSLIMS! These GAY MUSLIMS will then willingly turn in all their guns en masse into secret scrap metal recyclers based in the post office of every town in America. Then, they will all be sent to jihadi training camps which have secretly been constructed with your taxpayer dollars in every national park throughout the nation.
What will happen to the women, you ask? Without their men and their guns to protect them, American mothers and daughters will be rounded up by Hillary’s elite Ovarian Guard and forced to submit to feminist abortion brainwashing at re-education camps in Planned Parenthood offices throughout the country. After this brainwashing, women will be artificially inseminated using the semen collected from the gay orgies at the jihadi training camps and then the women will be forced to have abortions and the body parts of the murdered unborn will be sent to Empress Hillary (as she’ll re-title herself) so she and her witch’s coven can eat them and use the stem cells to stay young.
Once the fetus organ harvesting has begun, Empress Hillary will name Obama Supreme Commander of Africa where he will immediately put the population of the entire continent on welfare. There, in his native land of Kenya, Obama will organize two army divisions – one consisting of Mexican illegal DREAMers and the other consisting of ISIS Syrian “refugees” – to invade Europe on its Western and Eastern fronts where they will destroy all the cathedrals and the Vatican. Where St. Peter’s Basilica once stood, Obama will erect a giant mosque in the shape of a pentagram and Empress Hillary will declare Satanic Islam the official religion of the world. Russia, the last bastion of Christianity, democracy, and Western values, will fall under the hordes of Mexicans and Muslims.
As a final initiative to this evil plot, Empress Hillary will implement Obamacare for the entire world – and no one will be able to choose their own doctor!
Facts are facts! All of this is true and will come to pass if you let Crooked Hillary win this election! Do your patriotic duty and vote for Trump! Put Hillary in prison and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Jacob Clark studied English and Geography at UCLA before moving to Fresno in January of 2015. As a newcomer to Fresno, the city’s problems (and potential) have had a major impact on him, and he aspires to help in encouraging social and economic development that is sustainable, equitable, and, ultimately, livable. He lives in central Fresno with his girlfriend, cat, and two goldfish.