Rumor Has It

Rumor Has It

By R.J. Mitch Cantwell

If the Tea Party QAnon Republicans take over our government, the United States will have to change the Pledge of Allegiance to the following: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of hypocrisy, and to the corruption for which it stands, one nation under superstition, badly divided, with Liberty and Justice for only the wealthy.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis recently boasted arrogantly that “people are willing to walk barefoot over broken glass to vote for me because I am such a superlative leader.” That’s because Florida voters tend to spend much of their time sitting their bare butts on broken beer glass and smoking weed while hurricanes around them are blowing their brains away.

Donald Trump recently hawked one of his NFT cards with a picture of him showing his “stable genius” bone spur. Most people thought he was “mooning” them with his stable genius hemorrhoids.

Former Arizona radio shock-jock Kari Lake recently announced that she would be willing to run alongside presidential candidate Donald Trump as his running mate. She said she felt that she could do an excellent job being in charge of vice.

It is unlikely that Donald Trump will face prison time for his many crimes against humanity. He has been described as too mentally incompetent to even stand trial. Instead, it is likely he will be sentenced into an institution for the criminally insane. A special room will be assigned for him, approximately 12 𝗑 16 feet, with ketchup-resistant rubber walls and a large closet to house his diapers.

“Spoiler alert”—Nancy Pelosi says, regardless of her experience in working with small children, she is turning down an offer for a second job teaching Trump how to change his own diapers. Instead, she recommends he be given a self-teaching booklet on “sanitation procedures for idiots.” Trump’s family has been quite taken aback by her suggestion since it is well-known that “his college professors neglected to include learning to read” as part of his curriculum. “Second spoiler alert”—the institution’s employees will not be including diaper changes as part of their curriculum.

According to Christian biblical scholars, there are three different versions of the Old Testament creation tale, the “P,” the “J” and the “RNC.” One has a great footprint in the sky fashioning both Adam and Eve equally out of clay. The second one has Eve being fashioned out of Adam’s rib. The RNC version has all women, liberals and LGBTQ+ persons being fashioned out of Adam’s rib, and that’s why conservative white males only should be given the right to privacy when it comes to being audited by the IRS. Yes! Really!

I recently learned that the title “45” was assigned to Donald Trump to indicate his position in the continuum of U.S. presidencies. All along I thought they were referring to his IQ!

When Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert agree to hold their long-anticipated duel, the House of Representatives will assign them a lovely 8 𝗑 10 foot cat box and give them some catnip.

If DeSantis runs for president in 2024, his one big request will be that only white members of the Proud Boys, Three Percenters, Oathkeepers, Ku Klux Klan members and unconvicted sex offenders be allowed to vote. He might include a few members of Trump’s Secret Service agents, also.

Recently, archeologists in Germany discovered the skeletal remains of a Neanderthal youth buried in a shallow grave in association with fossilized hyena bones and human excrement. An analysis of DNA recovered from the 48,000-year-old Neanderthal remains indicated the closest living descendants were—wait for it—yes, the Donald Trump family. The archeologists had become suspicious of the relationship based on the fact that the Neanderthal youth had been found with a huge Mammoth thigh bone lodged in his jaws, that had probably resulted from his attempt to eat the whole thing and choking to death.


R.J. Mitch Cantwell, Ph.D., is a professor of archeology, retired from College of the Sequoias. He has written many historical and science fiction novels and lives in Dunlap.

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